i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
