My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
