Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
