My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
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I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
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I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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