so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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