just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
