The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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