Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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