i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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