god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
