Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
