It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
