I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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