Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
