it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
