No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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