why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
