So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
