the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
