If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize