Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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