your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
