and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
