I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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