Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize