why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
