found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
