I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
