my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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