the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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