so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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