whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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