I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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