I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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