hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
