She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
