saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
