I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
