dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
