Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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