So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Two words: nipple clamps
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