when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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