xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
my being single is dangerous.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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