so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
