Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
