whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
