I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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