i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
