yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
