I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
