Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
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all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
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Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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