So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
