I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
