You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
