Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
third nipple confirmed
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
